Our Military’s Wit and Wisdom
                         — or —
    the Military Version of Murphy’s Law



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Humor in uniform:


“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”

If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.’
- David Hackworth

“Things that must be together to work,
  usually can’t be shipped together.”
– Supply Training Manual

“If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.”
–  Naval Ops Manual

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer for anything.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.


Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.
–  Korean War Advice

The easy way is always mined.
–  Army Special Ops Manual


Incoming fire has the right of way.
– Marine adage

Anything you do can get you shot,  including doing nothing.
– Ranger Manual

The general asked if women can kill,  I don’t see a problem.
All the general has to do is walk up to the troops & say:
“You see the enemy over there?  They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
– Lt. Elaine Boosler

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position,
the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said
into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll
pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,”  the airman replied,
“I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!
Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whore-house!”
The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on.
My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.”


A dude was getting out of the Army.
“Well,” snarled the tough old Army Sergeant to the bewildered Private, handing him his discharge papers,
 “Now that you are out of the Army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die
     so you can come and pee on my grave.”
“Not me,  Sarge!”   the Private replied.
“I promised myself that once I got out of the Army,
  I was  *never*  going to stand in another line!”


No man is a leader until his appointment is ratified in the
minds and hearts of his men.
– Anonymous,   The Infantry Journal


Letter from an OverSeas Soldier

• There is a two-thousand-year-old letter from a Roman soldier
     to his family complaining about:
• being away from home,
• trying to communicate with people who speak in a strange tongue,
• living in an untenable climate,
• being offered food their mothers never heard of,  much less prepared.

   He was in what is now called  …  England.


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